Am I Me. . . Or Is It The Medication Talking

One of my biggest insecurities is that the person I have become is not the real me. . .  it's a medicated altered version of me. Do I really beleive what I think? Are my opinions actually mine? . . . .  If I ever come off my meds will the person I have become slowly disappear too?

I have been meds for almost 3 years now. To be honest I dont really remember not being on them. One a night before bed every night. My little Psychotic Depression routine, almost like brushing your teeth.

I have always wondered if all the things that have changed in the last three years are due to getting older? getting better? or just being drugged up to the max? It's not really a bad thing. . . I do like who I have become, I have good friends, I enjoy normal hobbies, I don't have any more mood swings or halusinations. . . but sometimes I feel all these things may not have been done out of free will. Its a really strange feeling of being trapped in a body, a life where I can't contol anything.

I mean a lot of this is on quite a deep level, some of it spirital, some of it really trippy. . . . but some of it is really shallow and stupid. For example before I had a mental illness I hated Mushrooms. . .  now I love them. its crazy but what if its not me who loves the mushrooms but the medication that makes me love them.

I guess at the end of the day there is apart of me that doesnt like / fears being dependent and reliant on mediacation. Pumping the body with unatual things is obviously not the best way to live your life. This probably is an issue for many people, not just the meantaly ill.

If I ever get a solid conclusion to this or find a possible solution that puts me at ease, rest assure I will share it with you all.

All I know is it is important that you follow the medications rules, always do as your doctor tells you and never take medication use into your own hands and never go cold turkey . . . in fact thats going to be my next post later this week, "Why not to go Cold Turkey and Why I Did".

One Year Six Months Later

It has been one year and six months since I left the hospital but boy does it feel like it was yesterday. Since leaving hospital I took the risky but neccessary decision to move away from family, friends and support to live in a city I had never been to before in order to complete a work placement. I was advised that this was not a great move but in order to complete my degree i had to do a 12 month placement. Because I spent all my time in 2nd year in and out of hospital and being ill I had missed out on applying for all the good placements. I was stuck in a strange city, with two housemate I had never met before doing telemarketing.

It has been a tough year and I will blog about all the things I learnt and experienced which hopefully will help others with simular illnesses realise that you can find inner strength to do things you would never think possible.

Currently I am returning to universsity which means i will have a lot more time to update this and will be blogging regularly. I am returning to the place where my depression began. I have to admit im preety anxious to be seeing all the places where I had scaring memories and horrible experiences. I am also scared about seeing some face of people who watched me spiral into depression. Will they forgive me, understant, or have they judged me and going to socialy cripple me with gossip and rumors.

My old housemate is the person I am dreading bumbing into. He was my best friend at uni, he watchmed me as my world collapsed and he stood by and did nothing. No support, no comfort, just steped back and watched me crashed. He then took the opportunity to take everything I was clinging onto, my firnds, my uni work and even the girl I liked. One year later I am going to have to face my dear and see him again. I beleive I have changed so much in a year, I feel more positive, strong, I feel like a completely different person while never feeling so much like myself at the same time.

I want to tell everyone that although life is harder for people like us with an illness, we can do things that we might of thought impossible. We can meet new people, get new jobs, even blend in with people who dont have depressive ilnesses. If you have an illness know that you CAN change and life WILL change its just finding that strength to start getting better and i believer that the strength lies in everyone you just need to ignite it!

Peace and Love
Anonymous