You lose your life but it doesn't mean you can't live!

One if the things I have found people dont understand at all is the sense of mourning one gets after being diagnosed with a mental illness.

Okay lets not get too mellodramatic yes we're not going to die. . . its not fatal or terminal like other illnesses. But everything you knew, the life you had, it dissapears and changes and you feel robbed, cheated and this is why sometimes I feel like a part of me did die.

Ive spent the past two years like many people who get diagnosed with mental illnesses concentrating all their energy into changing, healing, becoming a better person, building destroyed bridges everything we are told to do to help us get better. Yesterday I found a memory box i used to keep, filled with gig tickets, old photos and random bits and bobs that i thought were important to me. I was deverstated to see how much I had changed and how im just not the same boy I was before all this happened. When people told me how much I changed I used take it as a complement thinking that it represented my mental state. . . but it doesnt.

The sad truth is that I will never be that person again, I loved my old life, I hit the metal illness wall, spent so long changing and healing that there is no way back. However before you finishing reading this feeling worse or scared, there is a beautiful flip side. Although my old life is gone, I have all my memories from it, and unlike a lot of other unforgiving illnesses we have a second chance.

I will always have days where I can look back at miss the life I had, but i also have a new life to shape. Its not the same, a lot of things are different, like the regular hospital appointmants, tons of medication etc but its still a life. We need to appreciate that it is okay to mourn what we have lost and so what if people don't really understand, they also won't understand the opptimism, excitement and possibilites having a secomnd life can create. Take this opportunity to do something different, something that the 'old' you wouldnt do or something that you always said you would do but never got around to it.

Im a different person, I miss who I was but im excited to see who I can be.

Let me know your thoughts on this, is this something you have come across on your journey?

One Year Six Months Later

It has been one year and six months since I left the hospital but boy does it feel like it was yesterday. Since leaving hospital I took the risky but neccessary decision to move away from family, friends and support to live in a city I had never been to before in order to complete a work placement. I was advised that this was not a great move but in order to complete my degree i had to do a 12 month placement. Because I spent all my time in 2nd year in and out of hospital and being ill I had missed out on applying for all the good placements. I was stuck in a strange city, with two housemate I had never met before doing telemarketing.

It has been a tough year and I will blog about all the things I learnt and experienced which hopefully will help others with simular illnesses realise that you can find inner strength to do things you would never think possible.

Currently I am returning to universsity which means i will have a lot more time to update this and will be blogging regularly. I am returning to the place where my depression began. I have to admit im preety anxious to be seeing all the places where I had scaring memories and horrible experiences. I am also scared about seeing some face of people who watched me spiral into depression. Will they forgive me, understant, or have they judged me and going to socialy cripple me with gossip and rumors.

My old housemate is the person I am dreading bumbing into. He was my best friend at uni, he watchmed me as my world collapsed and he stood by and did nothing. No support, no comfort, just steped back and watched me crashed. He then took the opportunity to take everything I was clinging onto, my firnds, my uni work and even the girl I liked. One year later I am going to have to face my dear and see him again. I beleive I have changed so much in a year, I feel more positive, strong, I feel like a completely different person while never feeling so much like myself at the same time.

I want to tell everyone that although life is harder for people like us with an illness, we can do things that we might of thought impossible. We can meet new people, get new jobs, even blend in with people who dont have depressive ilnesses. If you have an illness know that you CAN change and life WILL change its just finding that strength to start getting better and i believer that the strength lies in everyone you just need to ignite it!

Peace and Love
Anonymous