Am I Me. . . Or Is It The Medication Talking

One of my biggest insecurities is that the person I have become is not the real me. . .  it's a medicated altered version of me. Do I really beleive what I think? Are my opinions actually mine? . . . .  If I ever come off my meds will the person I have become slowly disappear too?

I have been meds for almost 3 years now. To be honest I dont really remember not being on them. One a night before bed every night. My little Psychotic Depression routine, almost like brushing your teeth.

I have always wondered if all the things that have changed in the last three years are due to getting older? getting better? or just being drugged up to the max? It's not really a bad thing. . . I do like who I have become, I have good friends, I enjoy normal hobbies, I don't have any more mood swings or halusinations. . . but sometimes I feel all these things may not have been done out of free will. Its a really strange feeling of being trapped in a body, a life where I can't contol anything.

I mean a lot of this is on quite a deep level, some of it spirital, some of it really trippy. . . . but some of it is really shallow and stupid. For example before I had a mental illness I hated Mushrooms. . .  now I love them. its crazy but what if its not me who loves the mushrooms but the medication that makes me love them.

I guess at the end of the day there is apart of me that doesnt like / fears being dependent and reliant on mediacation. Pumping the body with unatual things is obviously not the best way to live your life. This probably is an issue for many people, not just the meantaly ill.

If I ever get a solid conclusion to this or find a possible solution that puts me at ease, rest assure I will share it with you all.

All I know is it is important that you follow the medications rules, always do as your doctor tells you and never take medication use into your own hands and never go cold turkey . . . in fact thats going to be my next post later this week, "Why not to go Cold Turkey and Why I Did".

Student Support for Depression

I became Ill during my second year of uni. It took me ages to admit to myself that depression is an illness andstudent support avalible, that its okay to ask for help if you need it. I think its important that people know what support is avaliable to a student and why the should always use it.

During my early stages of depression I would lie to people about doctors appointments, mainly beacause if you say i'm going to the doctors it normally results in the question "aww why? whats wrong?" and I didnt want to explain and im sure they didnt have time to hear my explanation. This reinforced the impresison in my head that being depressed had to be kept a secret and that knowone was allowed to know. In the long run this causes more harm then good. Accepting depression as a plausable illness and being open to talk about it will definitly help you overcome it in the end. Its not easy, I didn't do it, but it will help.

I suggest taking baby steps. Doctors appointments are always a must so make sure you attend regualry and really explain to your doctor your symptoms. I was lucky, I had a really nice doctor who cared how I was doing, but I do know there are a lot of docs out their with little to none social skills.

Talking to firends and family is hard and dangerous. I couldnt do either which was a shame but if you can I think you should, if you have the close relationship with someone its always good to confide.

Most importantly while at University / College talk to the student support team. They normally can sort you out with appropiate councillling and lots of help. In my 4th yeah I finally met with someone from student support after spending ages building up the courage. They offered learning aids, extensions, counciling and even extra money. I was lucky enough not to have to use any of these but it was such a comfort knowing they were there.

I am a slight hipocrit as I remember hating all these support systems. I wanted to lock my self away in my room, or run away to a distant place or just pretend none of it was happening. unfortantly it is happening, and only you can do something about it. . . but not alone. Even if you just find out what support your uni of college offers, at least you know its their if you need to use it =]