Depression Costs More Than Your Life

It's no secret that life is short. We never know how long we have but everyone knows its not long enough. I've had depression for almost 4 years now. Thats a huge time period of time, almost a 6th of my life so far. I started thinking about what this illness has cost me?

My first thought went to where many humans minds wonder too, money. 4 years of medication and perscriptions. Doesnt ever seem that much when you buy antibiotics once a year for a throat infection. But regular perscriptions costs me aroun £120 a year. So thats £480 quid on medication ive spent and I aint finished adding to my tab. That is bloody ridiclious, I can only image how much is costs in America. Anyway thats just money right, doesnt mean that much. Then I started thining about how much effort I put into getting my perscriptions.

Doctors, GPS, Nurses, Psycological Specialists, Theropists, Psychosis Nurses and Pharmasists. . .  I have spent hours, ney days with all these ppl. Doing tests, check ups, meetings blah blah. Yes loads of it has been worth it, im not trying to say its not. . .  im just saying thats all time and energy im not getting back and waiting in skanky waiting rooms is my idea of fun.

I also think being mental can be like being drunk to an extend. I don;t know what im doing and I do a lot of stupid things. On bad trips ive broke things, purchased random things. both online and on angry trips to town. Oh ive also had to buy a lot of sorry presents for people. In fairness I always was good at buying sorry presents.

3 Days in hospital, that was fun. 3 days of lying around being pumped dry not really acheiving anything (except getting my life back).

Almost lost 27K by stuggling through uni. I mean im lucky cos I didn't, I passed with a 2:1 . . . . but it wasnt easy. Got stressed easy, found deadlines hard, concentration was low, I had a few extensions and stuff to help me but I can image a lot more people stuggling more than I did.

I think the point im trying to get accross is that we sacrafise a lot in the effort to get better. Is it worth it? Hell yes! But its just one of those things that makes a hard life harder. Looking back my list is rather pathetic, im sure if other people made a list there would be the loss of jobs, marraiges, loves ones, homes, family etc. Sometimes I dont think its fair what we are given to deal with. None the less we deal with it. And you know what I have respect for every single sufferer who has had to sacrafice things to get better. It is a sign of will power and strength.

You lose your life but it doesn't mean you can't live!

One if the things I have found people dont understand at all is the sense of mourning one gets after being diagnosed with a mental illness.

Okay lets not get too mellodramatic yes we're not going to die. . . its not fatal or terminal like other illnesses. But everything you knew, the life you had, it dissapears and changes and you feel robbed, cheated and this is why sometimes I feel like a part of me did die.

Ive spent the past two years like many people who get diagnosed with mental illnesses concentrating all their energy into changing, healing, becoming a better person, building destroyed bridges everything we are told to do to help us get better. Yesterday I found a memory box i used to keep, filled with gig tickets, old photos and random bits and bobs that i thought were important to me. I was deverstated to see how much I had changed and how im just not the same boy I was before all this happened. When people told me how much I changed I used take it as a complement thinking that it represented my mental state. . . but it doesnt.

The sad truth is that I will never be that person again, I loved my old life, I hit the metal illness wall, spent so long changing and healing that there is no way back. However before you finishing reading this feeling worse or scared, there is a beautiful flip side. Although my old life is gone, I have all my memories from it, and unlike a lot of other unforgiving illnesses we have a second chance.

I will always have days where I can look back at miss the life I had, but i also have a new life to shape. Its not the same, a lot of things are different, like the regular hospital appointmants, tons of medication etc but its still a life. We need to appreciate that it is okay to mourn what we have lost and so what if people don't really understand, they also won't understand the opptimism, excitement and possibilites having a secomnd life can create. Take this opportunity to do something different, something that the 'old' you wouldnt do or something that you always said you would do but never got around to it.

Im a different person, I miss who I was but im excited to see who I can be.

Let me know your thoughts on this, is this something you have come across on your journey?