Depression Costs More Than Your Life

It's no secret that life is short. We never know how long we have but everyone knows its not long enough. I've had depression for almost 4 years now. Thats a huge time period of time, almost a 6th of my life so far. I started thinking about what this illness has cost me?

My first thought went to where many humans minds wonder too, money. 4 years of medication and perscriptions. Doesnt ever seem that much when you buy antibiotics once a year for a throat infection. But regular perscriptions costs me aroun £120 a year. So thats £480 quid on medication ive spent and I aint finished adding to my tab. That is bloody ridiclious, I can only image how much is costs in America. Anyway thats just money right, doesnt mean that much. Then I started thining about how much effort I put into getting my perscriptions.

Doctors, GPS, Nurses, Psycological Specialists, Theropists, Psychosis Nurses and Pharmasists. . .  I have spent hours, ney days with all these ppl. Doing tests, check ups, meetings blah blah. Yes loads of it has been worth it, im not trying to say its not. . .  im just saying thats all time and energy im not getting back and waiting in skanky waiting rooms is my idea of fun.

I also think being mental can be like being drunk to an extend. I don;t know what im doing and I do a lot of stupid things. On bad trips ive broke things, purchased random things. both online and on angry trips to town. Oh ive also had to buy a lot of sorry presents for people. In fairness I always was good at buying sorry presents.

3 Days in hospital, that was fun. 3 days of lying around being pumped dry not really acheiving anything (except getting my life back).

Almost lost 27K by stuggling through uni. I mean im lucky cos I didn't, I passed with a 2:1 . . . . but it wasnt easy. Got stressed easy, found deadlines hard, concentration was low, I had a few extensions and stuff to help me but I can image a lot more people stuggling more than I did.

I think the point im trying to get accross is that we sacrafise a lot in the effort to get better. Is it worth it? Hell yes! But its just one of those things that makes a hard life harder. Looking back my list is rather pathetic, im sure if other people made a list there would be the loss of jobs, marraiges, loves ones, homes, family etc. Sometimes I dont think its fair what we are given to deal with. None the less we deal with it. And you know what I have respect for every single sufferer who has had to sacrafice things to get better. It is a sign of will power and strength.

Depression Killed My Sex Life !

Thats right I said it!

Almost three years with psychotic depression, you can fingure the rest out! To be perfectly honest for the mass majority of the time I havent really wanted to have sex. Firstly because I was concentrating on more important things. . .  like not dying. Secondly because the drugs I'm on literaly kill your sex drive. However almost three years down the line and ive started thinking about dating again.

In the last two weeks I have started dating someone. For the first date I had all the normal nervs about, will they like me, do I look good? what to wear and where to go! It went awsome by the way, cos I know you wanted to ask. However on the second date we really started talking and getting to know each other. Not that we didnt on the first date, but the first date was more like your favourite film and music taste. The second date was like family and love history and stuff.

I was constatly thinking, do I tell them that I have a mental illness? Like how will they react, some people are really cool and then share something very personal about them. Others get really freaked out (I blame it on the public ignorance of depression).

I came to the conclusion that it was only the second date. Hopefully there will be more time to open up about sensitive issues, and idealy not in a restaurant. However this was an epic fail. After the dinner we came back to my house. This is because my parents were out and I basically never get the place to myself to chill with firneds (or dates).

As you do, we were just mucking about and being silly. My date then got ontop my laptop and we were looking at silly videos and stuff. However my internet history then decided to get revenge on me. No not porn. . . you are disgusting for coming to such a conclusion. No, it was actually this darn blog that I love so much. On my drop down menu this blog is described by its title, "Psychotic Depression of A Student Blog" . . . . . can't really argue with it. Says what it is!

I have never seen such a moment killer. They didnt say anything, they just kind of stopped dead. Like not even subtle, just laughing their head off and then dead scilence. I panicked and instead of explaining myself  which probably would have been the best thing to do. I just ignored it and pretended it didnt happen and carried on searching for things on the laptop.

I have not heard from said date yet since saturday! Damn you psychotic depression, you just keep on finding ways to fuck me over! O well, a lesson has been learnt. . . .  maybe. . . . delete browsing histroy :p.

No im joking, hopefully in the future I will be able to be honest and disguss these things with people and not make too much of a big deal out of it. . . . .  maybe lolz! :(

Psychotic Depression: A Battle You Must Fight On Your Own

Men are at war with each other because each man is at war with himself.  ~ Francis Meehan

I beleive that when talking about psychotic depression we should refer to it as a war. Battles will be both won and lost, but when we put our mind to overcoming depression we must be prepared to fight. No war can be won single handedly, a leader needs an army. However an army can not be blindly lead into battle.

Realising that you have a mental illness takes the wind out of your lungs. I burried my head in the sand for many months, letting it escalate and spiral out of control. I think there is a moment in everyones stories of any mental illness where in your head, like a lost king you declare war in order to get your mind to a peaceful state. If you haven't, think about it, no one can overcome this but you. I remember making this declaration when I was in my worst state, I was weak and literaly moments away from not having a life. I awoke in a hospital bed and there and then, in the worst possible state made a decision full of pride and strength, that this illness will not defeat me.

To make this decision you truely have to beleive in yourself. It takes everything that you think your not. But once you have made it, like a promise to God, your fight can truely begin. To be honest, what makes this more difficult, like any war is that at the begining you can see no end. You have no idea how the battles will be fought, who you are fighting against or how your going to win, but you have faith.

Im not saying you need to fight your illness on your own. There are firends, family, care workers, doctors and bloggers who will all fight on your side. But it is the decision to fight that must come from you and only you. You need to beleive this is a war you are going to win, even if all the odds are stacked against you. We are all Davids and this is our goliath.

I decided to fight my war almost 3 years ago and I am still fighting everyday. Hundreds of little battles, but everyone I fight, I feel a little closer to the goal I am working too. This is your mind, your life and your fight, but everyone wants you to win.

I feel this post has a very agressive tone to it, but I want you to be inspired to rise like a pheonix. I always felt very angry and bitter at having a mental illness. I felt why me? why do I have to take the hard road in life. But I channeled my anger into trying to overcome this. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. The fight will teach us all hundreds of lessons which will in turn make us better people.

I hope most of you are already fighting this war with me, everyday making a tiny bit of ground in conquering your mind. If you are not, why not join this revolution of mentally ill people fighting, so we can be free?

Depression Resulting From Bullying

I know that a lot of depression can stem from childhood and more importantly from being bullied at school. Don't get me wrong im not saying one causes the other, I know many people who got bullied at school and didnt suffer from depression. . .  just had a rough time. But being bullied and depressed while studying at shool with all the childhood pressures can be too much. Im not an expert in this subject and if you feel that this may relate to you check out this link for some adive from the UK Bullying Site. That site isnt really the stuff I would recomend but then again apparently im no expert (You can always Google advice to get a broader range). Honestly I think Kids being bullied should channel their problems into creative things and find inspiration elsewhere. Shool and Bullys will only last for a short period of time but depression can really effect your whole life. Teenagers need to find a way to ride the wave and get through the tough times without any perminent damage.

This Video is massivly powerful. I know some people might just think its a song, but I feel music is powerful and I hope it touches a lot of people the same way it moved me.

If you have read this and have any other mucis videos, clips, blogs whatever, post it in a comment. I really love creative things and want this blog to offer sound advice, personal stories AND creative work.

I will explain in more depth at a later date, but music, films and anything creative really did help me through everything. . . and still does, I hope it will do the same for someone else too.