So this New Years Eve I was chatting to a very good friend of mine who is training in medicine at university to become a doctor. Even with my friends I never explain all my experiences or what happend to me or what psychotic depression is. However after a few drinks he got the nerve to actually ask me some questions about it. I was pretty shocked about his lack of knowledge of the subject.
I tried telling him some of the basic details of what had happened, how I discovered it and what sort of symptoms I suffered from. As a friend he was obviously concerned, but what struck me most was the guilt that he then felt. After doing my best to explain real paranoia, delusions and mood swings it was weird to see that as a "doctor" in training he wished he knew more about it so he could help. He had known I had the mental illness for well over a year but obviously didnt know much about it like most people. However felt as a doctor he should of.
This then made me think, if doctors in training are losing there awareness of mental illnesses, what hope is there that the doctors we encounter, who were trained years ago knowing what they are doing. I mean I am used to the public being unaware and ignorant to mental illnesses, there was that sucky advert that tried to spread awarness but it was more cringe than informing.
I always had major paranoia over what doctors though of me, I always thought they were bullshitting me and giving my shit loads of placebos. Obviously that's a dangerous position to be in as it could of caused me to stop taking medicine or stop going to appointments.
I am thinking that more needs to be done in informing the public and even training professionals of mental illnesses. This is partly the reason I try and share my expreiences. Most acedemics will tell you that knowledge is power. I beleive it is the same with this illness. The more you / friends / public know about it, the less "taboo" it will become and the less not talked about. I stay annonymous and dont tell many people of it mainly cos I dont know how they will react. Im proud of who I am now and I live with psychotic depression but that shouldnt influence peoples opinion of me.
Do you ever think that you doctor isnt filling you with confidence or wish the common person was more aware of mental illnesses?
Sunday, 15 January 2012
Thursday, 29 December 2011
A New Year, A New Me?
Its that time of year where everyone says "new year, a new me". Not just people with mental health issues or depression but pretty much everyone. Personaly, I hate this concept. Its the idea that a un-influential date can help change someones life. I mean im all for it in theroy and to the 10% of people it works for thats great, but i've never had it work for me and I reckon it can be a rather damaging concpet to people with psychotic depression.
When I was at the worst of my illness I would use any date or occassion as a turning point in my struggle. New Years, new achedemic year, birthdays, end of exams, moving house, the list is endless. For the first few weeks all kinda goes well. You make a few changes here and there, you see a few improvements etc. However for people with non-mental illness's this is where it just kinda ends. You stop going to the gym in feburary after buying a years pass but its all fine cos everything just goes back to normal and you get on with your non-gym life. This never happened for me and I dont think this is how it works for most mental illness sufferers.
When the time comes when you realise that this new begining hasn't been a field of roses and your actually not as different and perfect as you thought you were, I alwaysed plumited back into depression and in most occassions became worse than I was when I started the "new me". The idea of failing to a psychotic depression suferer is horrible. You feel like you have let the world down, and that they hate you. This used to make me paranoid, that people were calling me failiure and I just spirled back into a deep depression. It was one step forward and two steps back.
This post isn't all doom and gloom though. I found a way to use this concept effectivly and hopefully this will work for other people too. As humans, our natual habbit is to aim for perfection. This makes us set almost impossible goals. If you want this new year to have a lot of change, then set yourself smaller acheivable goals. Don't simply say your going to change with no idea how or say that your going to be the perfect person. I started with smaller ones. I remember my first goal set was to go 50 days without self harm. I read a post secret entry by a girl who said that she was suicidal and 50 days later was so thankful she was still alive. So thats where I got 50 days from. I had a book with a tally in and each day would write how I felt to see if I got better.
Don't get me wrong I wasnt saved after 50 days but I did feel like I had acheived something. From self harming everyday I had gone almost 2 months without. Try set yourself little goals like that, its doesnt have to be 50 days, it could be a week or whatever suits your condiiton. Reward yourself with little victorys dont overwhelm youself with massive defeats.
I hope this helps you set some reaslistic New Year goals. My one this year is to go swimming once a week for 2 months. The excercise helps me feel energised and less depressed and I always have good thinking time in the pool as no one distracts you. Happy New Year x
When I was at the worst of my illness I would use any date or occassion as a turning point in my struggle. New Years, new achedemic year, birthdays, end of exams, moving house, the list is endless. For the first few weeks all kinda goes well. You make a few changes here and there, you see a few improvements etc. However for people with non-mental illness's this is where it just kinda ends. You stop going to the gym in feburary after buying a years pass but its all fine cos everything just goes back to normal and you get on with your non-gym life. This never happened for me and I dont think this is how it works for most mental illness sufferers.
When the time comes when you realise that this new begining hasn't been a field of roses and your actually not as different and perfect as you thought you were, I alwaysed plumited back into depression and in most occassions became worse than I was when I started the "new me". The idea of failing to a psychotic depression suferer is horrible. You feel like you have let the world down, and that they hate you. This used to make me paranoid, that people were calling me failiure and I just spirled back into a deep depression. It was one step forward and two steps back.
This post isn't all doom and gloom though. I found a way to use this concept effectivly and hopefully this will work for other people too. As humans, our natual habbit is to aim for perfection. This makes us set almost impossible goals. If you want this new year to have a lot of change, then set yourself smaller acheivable goals. Don't simply say your going to change with no idea how or say that your going to be the perfect person. I started with smaller ones. I remember my first goal set was to go 50 days without self harm. I read a post secret entry by a girl who said that she was suicidal and 50 days later was so thankful she was still alive. So thats where I got 50 days from. I had a book with a tally in and each day would write how I felt to see if I got better.
Don't get me wrong I wasnt saved after 50 days but I did feel like I had acheived something. From self harming everyday I had gone almost 2 months without. Try set yourself little goals like that, its doesnt have to be 50 days, it could be a week or whatever suits your condiiton. Reward yourself with little victorys dont overwhelm youself with massive defeats.
I hope this helps you set some reaslistic New Year goals. My one this year is to go swimming once a week for 2 months. The excercise helps me feel energised and less depressed and I always have good thinking time in the pool as no one distracts you. Happy New Year x
Monday, 28 November 2011
Psychotic Depression: A Battle You Must Fight On Your Own
Men are at war with each other because each man is at war with himself. ~ Francis Meehan
I beleive that when talking about psychotic depression we should refer to it as a war. Battles will be both won and lost, but when we put our mind to overcoming depression we must be prepared to fight. No war can be won single handedly, a leader needs an army. However an army can not be blindly lead into battle.
Realising that you have a mental illness takes the wind out of your lungs. I burried my head in the sand for many months, letting it escalate and spiral out of control. I think there is a moment in everyones stories of any mental illness where in your head, like a lost king you declare war in order to get your mind to a peaceful state. If you haven't, think about it, no one can overcome this but you. I remember making this declaration when I was in my worst state, I was weak and literaly moments away from not having a life. I awoke in a hospital bed and there and then, in the worst possible state made a decision full of pride and strength, that this illness will not defeat me.
To make this decision you truely have to beleive in yourself. It takes everything that you think your not. But once you have made it, like a promise to God, your fight can truely begin. To be honest, what makes this more difficult, like any war is that at the begining you can see no end. You have no idea how the battles will be fought, who you are fighting against or how your going to win, but you have faith.
Im not saying you need to fight your illness on your own. There are firends, family, care workers, doctors and bloggers who will all fight on your side. But it is the decision to fight that must come from you and only you. You need to beleive this is a war you are going to win, even if all the odds are stacked against you. We are all Davids and this is our goliath.
I decided to fight my war almost 3 years ago and I am still fighting everyday. Hundreds of little battles, but everyone I fight, I feel a little closer to the goal I am working too. This is your mind, your life and your fight, but everyone wants you to win.
I feel this post has a very agressive tone to it, but I want you to be inspired to rise like a pheonix. I always felt very angry and bitter at having a mental illness. I felt why me? why do I have to take the hard road in life. But I channeled my anger into trying to overcome this. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. The fight will teach us all hundreds of lessons which will in turn make us better people.
I hope most of you are already fighting this war with me, everyday making a tiny bit of ground in conquering your mind. If you are not, why not join this revolution of mentally ill people fighting, so we can be free?
I beleive that when talking about psychotic depression we should refer to it as a war. Battles will be both won and lost, but when we put our mind to overcoming depression we must be prepared to fight. No war can be won single handedly, a leader needs an army. However an army can not be blindly lead into battle.
Realising that you have a mental illness takes the wind out of your lungs. I burried my head in the sand for many months, letting it escalate and spiral out of control. I think there is a moment in everyones stories of any mental illness where in your head, like a lost king you declare war in order to get your mind to a peaceful state. If you haven't, think about it, no one can overcome this but you. I remember making this declaration when I was in my worst state, I was weak and literaly moments away from not having a life. I awoke in a hospital bed and there and then, in the worst possible state made a decision full of pride and strength, that this illness will not defeat me.
To make this decision you truely have to beleive in yourself. It takes everything that you think your not. But once you have made it, like a promise to God, your fight can truely begin. To be honest, what makes this more difficult, like any war is that at the begining you can see no end. You have no idea how the battles will be fought, who you are fighting against or how your going to win, but you have faith.
Im not saying you need to fight your illness on your own. There are firends, family, care workers, doctors and bloggers who will all fight on your side. But it is the decision to fight that must come from you and only you. You need to beleive this is a war you are going to win, even if all the odds are stacked against you. We are all Davids and this is our goliath.
I decided to fight my war almost 3 years ago and I am still fighting everyday. Hundreds of little battles, but everyone I fight, I feel a little closer to the goal I am working too. This is your mind, your life and your fight, but everyone wants you to win.
I feel this post has a very agressive tone to it, but I want you to be inspired to rise like a pheonix. I always felt very angry and bitter at having a mental illness. I felt why me? why do I have to take the hard road in life. But I channeled my anger into trying to overcome this. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. The fight will teach us all hundreds of lessons which will in turn make us better people.
I hope most of you are already fighting this war with me, everyday making a tiny bit of ground in conquering your mind. If you are not, why not join this revolution of mentally ill people fighting, so we can be free?
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