A New Year, A New Me?

Its that time of year where everyone says "new year, a new me". Not just people with mental health issues or depression but pretty much everyone. Personaly, I hate this concept. Its the idea that a un-influential date can help change someones life. I mean im all for it in theroy and to the 10% of people it works for thats great, but i've never had it work for me and I reckon it can be a rather damaging concpet to people with psychotic depression.

When I was at the worst of my illness I would use any date or occassion as a turning point in my struggle. New Years, new achedemic year, birthdays, end of exams, moving house, the list is endless. For the first few weeks all kinda goes well. You make a few changes here and there, you see a few improvements etc. However for people with non-mental illness's this is where it just kinda ends. You stop going to the gym in feburary after buying a years pass but its all fine cos everything just goes back to normal and you get on with your non-gym life. This never happened for me and I dont think this is how it works for most mental illness sufferers.

When the time comes when you realise that this new begining hasn't been a field of roses and your actually not as different and perfect as you thought you were, I alwaysed plumited back into depression and in most occassions became worse than I was when I started the "new me". The idea of failing to a psychotic depression suferer is horrible. You feel like you have let the world down, and that they hate you. This used to make me paranoid, that people were calling me failiure and I just spirled back into a deep depression. It was one step forward and two steps back.

This post isn't all doom and gloom though. I found a way to use this concept effectivly and hopefully this will work for other people too. As humans, our natual habbit is to aim for perfection. This makes us set almost impossible goals. If you want this new year to have a lot of change, then set yourself smaller acheivable goals. Don't simply say your going to change with no idea how or say that your going to be the perfect person. I started with smaller ones. I remember my first goal set was to go 50 days without self harm. I read a post secret entry by a girl who said that she was suicidal and 50 days later was so thankful she was still alive. So thats where I got 50 days from. I had a book with a tally in and each day would write how I felt to see if I got better.

Don't get me wrong I wasnt saved after 50 days but I did feel like I had acheived something. From self harming everyday I had gone almost 2 months without. Try set yourself little goals like that, its doesnt have to be 50 days, it could be a week or whatever suits your condiiton. Reward yourself with little victorys dont overwhelm youself with massive defeats.

I hope this helps you set some reaslistic New Year goals. My one this year is to go swimming once a week for 2 months. The excercise helps me feel energised and less depressed and I always have good thinking time in the pool as no one distracts you. Happy New Year x

Psychotic Depression: A Battle You Must Fight On Your Own

Men are at war with each other because each man is at war with himself.  ~ Francis Meehan

I beleive that when talking about psychotic depression we should refer to it as a war. Battles will be both won and lost, but when we put our mind to overcoming depression we must be prepared to fight. No war can be won single handedly, a leader needs an army. However an army can not be blindly lead into battle.

Realising that you have a mental illness takes the wind out of your lungs. I burried my head in the sand for many months, letting it escalate and spiral out of control. I think there is a moment in everyones stories of any mental illness where in your head, like a lost king you declare war in order to get your mind to a peaceful state. If you haven't, think about it, no one can overcome this but you. I remember making this declaration when I was in my worst state, I was weak and literaly moments away from not having a life. I awoke in a hospital bed and there and then, in the worst possible state made a decision full of pride and strength, that this illness will not defeat me.

To make this decision you truely have to beleive in yourself. It takes everything that you think your not. But once you have made it, like a promise to God, your fight can truely begin. To be honest, what makes this more difficult, like any war is that at the begining you can see no end. You have no idea how the battles will be fought, who you are fighting against or how your going to win, but you have faith.

Im not saying you need to fight your illness on your own. There are firends, family, care workers, doctors and bloggers who will all fight on your side. But it is the decision to fight that must come from you and only you. You need to beleive this is a war you are going to win, even if all the odds are stacked against you. We are all Davids and this is our goliath.

I decided to fight my war almost 3 years ago and I am still fighting everyday. Hundreds of little battles, but everyone I fight, I feel a little closer to the goal I am working too. This is your mind, your life and your fight, but everyone wants you to win.

I feel this post has a very agressive tone to it, but I want you to be inspired to rise like a pheonix. I always felt very angry and bitter at having a mental illness. I felt why me? why do I have to take the hard road in life. But I channeled my anger into trying to overcome this. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. The fight will teach us all hundreds of lessons which will in turn make us better people.

I hope most of you are already fighting this war with me, everyday making a tiny bit of ground in conquering your mind. If you are not, why not join this revolution of mentally ill people fighting, so we can be free?

Am I Me. . . Or Is It The Medication Talking

One of my biggest insecurities is that the person I have become is not the real me. . .  it's a medicated altered version of me. Do I really beleive what I think? Are my opinions actually mine? . . . .  If I ever come off my meds will the person I have become slowly disappear too?

I have been meds for almost 3 years now. To be honest I dont really remember not being on them. One a night before bed every night. My little Psychotic Depression routine, almost like brushing your teeth.

I have always wondered if all the things that have changed in the last three years are due to getting older? getting better? or just being drugged up to the max? It's not really a bad thing. . . I do like who I have become, I have good friends, I enjoy normal hobbies, I don't have any more mood swings or halusinations. . . but sometimes I feel all these things may not have been done out of free will. Its a really strange feeling of being trapped in a body, a life where I can't contol anything.

I mean a lot of this is on quite a deep level, some of it spirital, some of it really trippy. . . . but some of it is really shallow and stupid. For example before I had a mental illness I hated Mushrooms. . .  now I love them. its crazy but what if its not me who loves the mushrooms but the medication that makes me love them.

I guess at the end of the day there is apart of me that doesnt like / fears being dependent and reliant on mediacation. Pumping the body with unatual things is obviously not the best way to live your life. This probably is an issue for many people, not just the meantaly ill.

If I ever get a solid conclusion to this or find a possible solution that puts me at ease, rest assure I will share it with you all.

All I know is it is important that you follow the medications rules, always do as your doctor tells you and never take medication use into your own hands and never go cold turkey . . . in fact thats going to be my next post later this week, "Why not to go Cold Turkey and Why I Did".

Depression Resulting From Bullying

I know that a lot of depression can stem from childhood and more importantly from being bullied at school. Don't get me wrong im not saying one causes the other, I know many people who got bullied at school and didnt suffer from depression. . .  just had a rough time. But being bullied and depressed while studying at shool with all the childhood pressures can be too much. Im not an expert in this subject and if you feel that this may relate to you check out this link for some adive from the UK Bullying Site. That site isnt really the stuff I would recomend but then again apparently im no expert (You can always Google advice to get a broader range). Honestly I think Kids being bullied should channel their problems into creative things and find inspiration elsewhere. Shool and Bullys will only last for a short period of time but depression can really effect your whole life. Teenagers need to find a way to ride the wave and get through the tough times without any perminent damage.

This Video is massivly powerful. I know some people might just think its a song, but I feel music is powerful and I hope it touches a lot of people the same way it moved me.

If you have read this and have any other mucis videos, clips, blogs whatever, post it in a comment. I really love creative things and want this blog to offer sound advice, personal stories AND creative work.

I will explain in more depth at a later date, but music, films and anything creative really did help me through everything. . . and still does, I hope it will do the same for someone else too.

Student Support for Depression

I became Ill during my second year of uni. It took me ages to admit to myself that depression is an illness andstudent support avalible, that its okay to ask for help if you need it. I think its important that people know what support is avaliable to a student and why the should always use it.

During my early stages of depression I would lie to people about doctors appointments, mainly beacause if you say i'm going to the doctors it normally results in the question "aww why? whats wrong?" and I didnt want to explain and im sure they didnt have time to hear my explanation. This reinforced the impresison in my head that being depressed had to be kept a secret and that knowone was allowed to know. In the long run this causes more harm then good. Accepting depression as a plausable illness and being open to talk about it will definitly help you overcome it in the end. Its not easy, I didn't do it, but it will help.

I suggest taking baby steps. Doctors appointments are always a must so make sure you attend regualry and really explain to your doctor your symptoms. I was lucky, I had a really nice doctor who cared how I was doing, but I do know there are a lot of docs out their with little to none social skills.

Talking to firends and family is hard and dangerous. I couldnt do either which was a shame but if you can I think you should, if you have the close relationship with someone its always good to confide.

Most importantly while at University / College talk to the student support team. They normally can sort you out with appropiate councillling and lots of help. In my 4th yeah I finally met with someone from student support after spending ages building up the courage. They offered learning aids, extensions, counciling and even extra money. I was lucky enough not to have to use any of these but it was such a comfort knowing they were there.

I am a slight hipocrit as I remember hating all these support systems. I wanted to lock my self away in my room, or run away to a distant place or just pretend none of it was happening. unfortantly it is happening, and only you can do something about it. . . but not alone. Even if you just find out what support your uni of college offers, at least you know its their if you need to use it =]

You lose your life but it doesn't mean you can't live!

One if the things I have found people dont understand at all is the sense of mourning one gets after being diagnosed with a mental illness.

Okay lets not get too mellodramatic yes we're not going to die. . . its not fatal or terminal like other illnesses. But everything you knew, the life you had, it dissapears and changes and you feel robbed, cheated and this is why sometimes I feel like a part of me did die.

Ive spent the past two years like many people who get diagnosed with mental illnesses concentrating all their energy into changing, healing, becoming a better person, building destroyed bridges everything we are told to do to help us get better. Yesterday I found a memory box i used to keep, filled with gig tickets, old photos and random bits and bobs that i thought were important to me. I was deverstated to see how much I had changed and how im just not the same boy I was before all this happened. When people told me how much I changed I used take it as a complement thinking that it represented my mental state. . . but it doesnt.

The sad truth is that I will never be that person again, I loved my old life, I hit the metal illness wall, spent so long changing and healing that there is no way back. However before you finishing reading this feeling worse or scared, there is a beautiful flip side. Although my old life is gone, I have all my memories from it, and unlike a lot of other unforgiving illnesses we have a second chance.

I will always have days where I can look back at miss the life I had, but i also have a new life to shape. Its not the same, a lot of things are different, like the regular hospital appointmants, tons of medication etc but its still a life. We need to appreciate that it is okay to mourn what we have lost and so what if people don't really understand, they also won't understand the opptimism, excitement and possibilites having a secomnd life can create. Take this opportunity to do something different, something that the 'old' you wouldnt do or something that you always said you would do but never got around to it.

Im a different person, I miss who I was but im excited to see who I can be.

Let me know your thoughts on this, is this something you have come across on your journey?