One if the things I have found people dont understand at all is the sense of mourning one gets after being diagnosed with a mental illness.
Okay lets not get too mellodramatic yes we're not going to die. . . its not fatal or terminal like other illnesses. But everything you knew, the life you had, it dissapears and changes and you feel robbed, cheated and this is why sometimes I feel like a part of me did die.
Ive spent the past two years like many people who get diagnosed with mental illnesses concentrating all their energy into changing, healing, becoming a better person, building destroyed bridges everything we are told to do to help us get better. Yesterday I found a memory box i used to keep, filled with gig tickets, old photos and random bits and bobs that i thought were important to me. I was deverstated to see how much I had changed and how im just not the same boy I was before all this happened. When people told me how much I changed I used take it as a complement thinking that it represented my mental state. . . but it doesnt.
The sad truth is that I will never be that person again, I loved my old life, I hit the metal illness wall, spent so long changing and healing that there is no way back. However before you finishing reading this feeling worse or scared, there is a beautiful flip side. Although my old life is gone, I have all my memories from it, and unlike a lot of other unforgiving illnesses we have a second chance.
I will always have days where I can look back at miss the life I had, but i also have a new life to shape. Its not the same, a lot of things are different, like the regular hospital appointmants, tons of medication etc but its still a life. We need to appreciate that it is okay to mourn what we have lost and so what if people don't really understand, they also won't understand the opptimism, excitement and possibilites having a secomnd life can create. Take this opportunity to do something different, something that the 'old' you wouldnt do or something that you always said you would do but never got around to it.
Im a different person, I miss who I was but im excited to see who I can be.
Let me know your thoughts on this, is this something you have come across on your journey?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
This kind of felt like you were in my head a little bit. Our stories aren't exactly the same - bipolar, 22, a bit more than 2 years since diagnosis - but the principle is the same.
ReplyDeleteI haven't felt like "me" in a while, and that used to upset me a lot. But, you're right, being someone different is a chance to DO different things. And I have, I travelled, got a tattoo, took up a martial art... things I never would have considered, and they've all been worth it.
Hope the New You is working out well. :)
I was caught by your wording of "unforgiving illness".
ReplyDeleteI am far older than you but you are far wiser than I ever was in my 20's.
You are brilliant in reorganizing that the 'Old You" needs to be mourned for. The "new" you nurtured. I have a chronic illness, one which brings with it chronic physical pain, which can bring on depression. Of course not anywhere near the same illness of yours. But you said so much that rang in harmony with me and I wanted to urge you on with your journey discovering the new who you are. And sharing it.
Having to learn to navigate in a world not made for us and anyone else who has a chronic illness like ours is having to become a different you. A different life. I know. Mine started changing 27 years ago. a I just want to promise you that as long as you keep discovering as you make your way, allow yourself time to grieve for the lost you, nurture and have compassion for the learning you, and keep your focus on your passion.
I love, love that you are stepping out here with two really prevalent topics. It's helping you and helping ALL that come here.
Thank you for