I have been meds for almost 3 years now. To be honest I dont really remember not being on them. One a night before bed every night. My little Psychotic Depression routine, almost like brushing your teeth.
I have always wondered if all the things that have changed in the last three years are due to getting older? getting better? or just being drugged up to the max? It's not really a bad thing. . . I do like who I have become, I have good friends, I enjoy normal hobbies, I don't have any more mood swings or halusinations. . . but sometimes I feel all these things may not have been done out of free will. Its a really strange feeling of being trapped in a body, a life where I can't contol anything.
I mean a lot of this is on quite a deep level, some of it spirital, some of it really trippy. . . . but some of it is really shallow and stupid. For example before I had a mental illness I hated Mushrooms. . . now I love them. its crazy but what if its not me who loves the mushrooms but the medication that makes me love them.
I guess at the end of the day there is apart of me that doesnt like / fears being dependent and reliant on mediacation. Pumping the body with unatual things is obviously not the best way to live your life. This probably is an issue for many people, not just the meantaly ill.
If I ever get a solid conclusion to this or find a possible solution that puts me at ease, rest assure I will share it with you all.
All I know is it is important that you follow the medications rules, always do as your doctor tells you and never take medication use into your own hands and never go cold turkey . . . in fact thats going to be my next post later this week, "Why not to go Cold Turkey and Why I Did".
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Yeah, I totally agree. It seems to me that I am almost a different person when I am on my meds (I say that because I take Vyvanse (a stimulant) which they use as a last resort for extremely treatment resistant depression.) I also take Cymbalta, which I don't think does anything, except when it combines with the Vyvanse it causes big side effects. But anyway, I wanted to say hey... I write a blog that's similar to this one - the address is www.brokebutsmiling.com - in addition to telling my story, it offers suggestions on how to feel happier, or "fake it till you make it." Check it out!
ReplyDeleteI also agree. I know that this version of me is a medicated, calmed-down person, and sometimes that's hard to deal with. I suppose I worry that I'm unlikeable without the medication, but that with the meds I'm not a real person.
ReplyDeleteI will say that, while on medication, I've learned lessons I wouldn't have in a normal state, so I think that even if I couldn't take the pills one day (unlikely - I suspect I'm going to need them for life), I'm still going to retain aspects of my 'new' personality.
Not many people really talk about this, how difficult it is to take medication and deal with the emotional issues it raises. Thank you.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteDo you feel that you are a more spiritual person as a result of your depression? One thing for sure a spiritual attitude does not ease the PAIN and the AGONY ! Eventually, we will get through this challenge. Keep on writing....