Psychotic Depression: A Battle You Must Fight On Your Own

Men are at war with each other because each man is at war with himself.  ~ Francis Meehan

I beleive that when talking about psychotic depression we should refer to it as a war. Battles will be both won and lost, but when we put our mind to overcoming depression we must be prepared to fight. No war can be won single handedly, a leader needs an army. However an army can not be blindly lead into battle.

Realising that you have a mental illness takes the wind out of your lungs. I burried my head in the sand for many months, letting it escalate and spiral out of control. I think there is a moment in everyones stories of any mental illness where in your head, like a lost king you declare war in order to get your mind to a peaceful state. If you haven't, think about it, no one can overcome this but you. I remember making this declaration when I was in my worst state, I was weak and literaly moments away from not having a life. I awoke in a hospital bed and there and then, in the worst possible state made a decision full of pride and strength, that this illness will not defeat me.

To make this decision you truely have to beleive in yourself. It takes everything that you think your not. But once you have made it, like a promise to God, your fight can truely begin. To be honest, what makes this more difficult, like any war is that at the begining you can see no end. You have no idea how the battles will be fought, who you are fighting against or how your going to win, but you have faith.

Im not saying you need to fight your illness on your own. There are firends, family, care workers, doctors and bloggers who will all fight on your side. But it is the decision to fight that must come from you and only you. You need to beleive this is a war you are going to win, even if all the odds are stacked against you. We are all Davids and this is our goliath.

I decided to fight my war almost 3 years ago and I am still fighting everyday. Hundreds of little battles, but everyone I fight, I feel a little closer to the goal I am working too. This is your mind, your life and your fight, but everyone wants you to win.

I feel this post has a very agressive tone to it, but I want you to be inspired to rise like a pheonix. I always felt very angry and bitter at having a mental illness. I felt why me? why do I have to take the hard road in life. But I channeled my anger into trying to overcome this. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. The fight will teach us all hundreds of lessons which will in turn make us better people.

I hope most of you are already fighting this war with me, everyday making a tiny bit of ground in conquering your mind. If you are not, why not join this revolution of mentally ill people fighting, so we can be free?

Am I Me. . . Or Is It The Medication Talking

One of my biggest insecurities is that the person I have become is not the real me. . .  it's a medicated altered version of me. Do I really beleive what I think? Are my opinions actually mine? . . . .  If I ever come off my meds will the person I have become slowly disappear too?

I have been meds for almost 3 years now. To be honest I dont really remember not being on them. One a night before bed every night. My little Psychotic Depression routine, almost like brushing your teeth.

I have always wondered if all the things that have changed in the last three years are due to getting older? getting better? or just being drugged up to the max? It's not really a bad thing. . . I do like who I have become, I have good friends, I enjoy normal hobbies, I don't have any more mood swings or halusinations. . . but sometimes I feel all these things may not have been done out of free will. Its a really strange feeling of being trapped in a body, a life where I can't contol anything.

I mean a lot of this is on quite a deep level, some of it spirital, some of it really trippy. . . . but some of it is really shallow and stupid. For example before I had a mental illness I hated Mushrooms. . .  now I love them. its crazy but what if its not me who loves the mushrooms but the medication that makes me love them.

I guess at the end of the day there is apart of me that doesnt like / fears being dependent and reliant on mediacation. Pumping the body with unatual things is obviously not the best way to live your life. This probably is an issue for many people, not just the meantaly ill.

If I ever get a solid conclusion to this or find a possible solution that puts me at ease, rest assure I will share it with you all.

All I know is it is important that you follow the medications rules, always do as your doctor tells you and never take medication use into your own hands and never go cold turkey . . . in fact thats going to be my next post later this week, "Why not to go Cold Turkey and Why I Did".