Depression Killed My Sex Life !

Thats right I said it!

Almost three years with psychotic depression, you can fingure the rest out! To be perfectly honest for the mass majority of the time I havent really wanted to have sex. Firstly because I was concentrating on more important things. . .  like not dying. Secondly because the drugs I'm on literaly kill your sex drive. However almost three years down the line and ive started thinking about dating again.

In the last two weeks I have started dating someone. For the first date I had all the normal nervs about, will they like me, do I look good? what to wear and where to go! It went awsome by the way, cos I know you wanted to ask. However on the second date we really started talking and getting to know each other. Not that we didnt on the first date, but the first date was more like your favourite film and music taste. The second date was like family and love history and stuff.

I was constatly thinking, do I tell them that I have a mental illness? Like how will they react, some people are really cool and then share something very personal about them. Others get really freaked out (I blame it on the public ignorance of depression).

I came to the conclusion that it was only the second date. Hopefully there will be more time to open up about sensitive issues, and idealy not in a restaurant. However this was an epic fail. After the dinner we came back to my house. This is because my parents were out and I basically never get the place to myself to chill with firneds (or dates).

As you do, we were just mucking about and being silly. My date then got ontop my laptop and we were looking at silly videos and stuff. However my internet history then decided to get revenge on me. No not porn. . . you are disgusting for coming to such a conclusion. No, it was actually this darn blog that I love so much. On my drop down menu this blog is described by its title, "Psychotic Depression of A Student Blog" . . . . . can't really argue with it. Says what it is!

I have never seen such a moment killer. They didnt say anything, they just kind of stopped dead. Like not even subtle, just laughing their head off and then dead scilence. I panicked and instead of explaining myself  which probably would have been the best thing to do. I just ignored it and pretended it didnt happen and carried on searching for things on the laptop.

I have not heard from said date yet since saturday! Damn you psychotic depression, you just keep on finding ways to fuck me over! O well, a lesson has been learnt. . . .  maybe. . . . delete browsing histroy :p.

No im joking, hopefully in the future I will be able to be honest and disguss these things with people and not make too much of a big deal out of it. . . . .  maybe lolz! :(

An Insight to Doctors Knowledge of Psychotic Depression

So this New Years Eve I was chatting to a very good friend of mine who is training in medicine at university to become a doctor. Even with my friends I never explain all my experiences or what happend to me or what psychotic depression is. However after a few drinks he got the nerve to actually ask me some questions about it. I was pretty shocked about his lack of knowledge of the subject.

I tried telling him some of the basic details of what had happened, how I discovered it and what sort of symptoms I suffered from. As a friend he was obviously concerned, but what struck me most was the guilt that he then felt. After doing my best to explain real paranoia, delusions and mood swings it was weird to see that as a "doctor" in training he wished he knew more about it so he could help. He had known I had the mental illness for well over a year but obviously didnt know much about it like most people. However felt as a doctor he should of.

This then made me think, if doctors in training are losing there awareness of mental illnesses, what hope is there that the doctors we encounter, who were trained years ago knowing what they are doing. I mean I am used to the public being unaware and ignorant to mental illnesses, there was that sucky advert that tried to spread awarness but it was more cringe than informing.

I always had major paranoia over what doctors though of me, I always thought they were bullshitting me and giving my shit loads of placebos. Obviously that's a dangerous position to be in as it could of caused me to stop taking medicine or stop going to appointments.

I am thinking that more needs to be done in informing the public and even training professionals of mental illnesses. This is partly the reason I try and share my expreiences. Most acedemics will tell you that knowledge is power. I beleive it is the same with this illness. The more you / friends / public know about it, the less "taboo" it will become and the less not talked about. I stay annonymous and dont tell many people of it mainly cos I dont know how they will react. Im proud of who I am now and I live with psychotic depression but that shouldnt influence peoples opinion of me.

Do you ever think that you doctor isnt filling you with confidence or wish the common person was more aware of mental illnesses?