Psychotic Depression

Depression Killed My Sex Life !

2012-01-23T13:36:00.000-08:00

Thats right I said it!

Almost three years with psychotic depression, you can fingure the rest out! To be perfectly honest for the mass majority of the time I havent really wanted to have sex. Firstly because I was concentrating on more important things. . . like not dying. Secondly because the drugs I'm on literaly kill your sex drive. However almost three years down the line and ive started thinking about dating again.

In the last two weeks I have started dating someone. For the first date I had all the normal nervs about, will they like me, do I look good? what to wear and where to go! It went awsome by the way, cos I know you wanted to ask. However on the second date we really started talking and getting to know each other. Not that we didnt on the first date, but the first date was more like your favourite film and music taste. The second date was like family and love history and stuff.

I was constatly thinking, do I tell them that I have a mental illness? Like how will they react, some people are really cool and then share something very personal about them. Others get really freaked out (I blame it on the public ignorance of depression).

I came to the conclusion that it was only the second date. Hopefully there will be more time to open up about sensitive issues, and idealy not in a restaurant. However this was an epic fail. After the dinner we came back to my house. This is because my parents were out and I basically never get the place to myself to chill with firneds (or dates).

As you do, we were just mucking about and being silly. My date then got ontop my laptop and we were looking at silly videos and stuff. However my internet history then decided to get revenge on me. No not porn. . . you are disgusting for coming to such a conclusion. No, it was actually this darn blog that I love so much. On my drop down menu this blog is described by its title, "Psychotic Depression of A Student Blog" . . . . . can't really argue with it. Says what it is!

I have never seen such a moment killer. They didnt say anything, they just kind of stopped dead. Like not even subtle, just laughing their head off and then dead scilence. I panicked and instead of explaining myself which probably would have been the best thing to do. I just ignored it and pretended it didnt happen and carried on searching for things on the laptop.

I have not heard from said date yet since saturday! Damn you psychotic depression, you just keep on finding ways to fuck me over! O well, a lesson has been learnt. . . . maybe. . . . delete browsing histroy :p.

No im joking, hopefully in the future I will be able to be honest and disguss these things with people and not make too much of a big deal out of it. . . . . maybe lolz! :(

An Insight to Doctors Knowledge of Psychotic Depression

2012-01-15T13:17:00.000-08:00

So this New Years Eve I was chatting to a very good friend of mine who is training in medicine at university to become a doctor. Even with my friends I never explain all my experiences or what happend to me or what psychotic depression is. However after a few drinks he got the nerve to actually ask me some questions about it. I was pretty shocked about his lack of knowledge of the subject.

I tried telling him some of the basic details of what had happened, how I discovered it and what sort of symptoms I suffered from. As a friend he was obviously concerned, but what struck me most was the guilt that he then felt. After doing my best to explain real paranoia, delusions and mood swings it was weird to see that as a "doctor" in training he wished he knew more about it so he could help. He had known I had the mental illness for well over a year but obviously didnt know much about it like most people. However felt as a doctor he should of.

This then made me think, if doctors in training are losing there awareness of mental illnesses, what hope is there that the doctors we encounter, who were trained years ago knowing what they are doing. I mean I am used to the public being unaware and ignorant to mental illnesses, there was that sucky advert that tried to spread awarness but it was more cringe than informing.

I always had major paranoia over what doctors though of me, I always thought they were bullshitting me and giving my shit loads of placebos. Obviously that's a dangerous position to be in as it could of caused me to stop taking medicine or stop going to appointments.

I am thinking that more needs to be done in informing the public and even training professionals of mental illnesses. This is partly the reason I try and share my expreiences. Most acedemics will tell you that knowledge is power. I beleive it is the same with this illness. The more you / friends / public know about it, the less "taboo" it will become and the less not talked about. I stay annonymous and dont tell many people of it mainly cos I dont know how they will react. Im proud of who I am now and I live with psychotic depression but that shouldnt influence peoples opinion of me.

Do you ever think that you doctor isnt filling you with confidence or wish the common person was more aware of mental illnesses?

A New Year, A New Me?

2011-12-29T09:28:00.000-08:00

Its that time of year where everyone says "new year, a new me". Not just people with mental health issues or depression but pretty much everyone. Personaly, I hate this concept. Its the idea that a un-influential date can help change someones life. I mean im all for it in theroy and to the 10% of people it works for thats great, but i've never had it work for me and I reckon it can be a rather damaging concpet to people with psychotic depression.

When I was at the worst of my illness I would use any date or occassion as a turning point in my struggle. New Years, new achedemic year, birthdays, end of exams, moving house, the list is endless. For the first few weeks all kinda goes well. You make a few changes here and there, you see a few improvements etc. However for people with non-mental illness's this is where it just kinda ends. You stop going to the gym in feburary after buying a years pass but its all fine cos everything just goes back to normal and you get on with your non-gym life. This never happened for me and I dont think this is how it works for most mental illness sufferers.

When the time comes when you realise that this new begining hasn't been a field of roses and your actually not as different and perfect as you thought you were, I alwaysed plumited back into depression and in most occassions became worse than I was when I started the "new me". The idea of failing to a psychotic depression suferer is horrible. You feel like you have let the world down, and that they hate you. This used to make me paranoid, that people were calling me failiure and I just spirled back into a deep depression. It was one step forward and two steps back.

This post isn't all doom and gloom though. I found a way to use this concept effectivly and hopefully this will work for other people too. As humans, our natual habbit is to aim for perfection. This makes us set almost impossible goals. If you want this new year to have a lot of change, then set yourself smaller acheivable goals. Don't simply say your going to change with no idea how or say that your going to be the perfect person. I started with smaller ones. I remember my first goal set was to go 50 days without self harm. I read a post secret entry by a girl who said that she was suicidal and 50 days later was so thankful she was still alive. So thats where I got 50 days from. I had a book with a tally in and each day would write how I felt to see if I got better.

Don't get me wrong I wasnt saved after 50 days but I did feel like I had acheived something. From self harming everyday I had gone almost 2 months without. Try set yourself little goals like that, its doesnt have to be 50 days, it could be a week or whatever suits your condiiton. Reward yourself with little victorys dont overwhelm youself with massive defeats.

I hope this helps you set some reaslistic New Year goals. My one this year is to go swimming once a week for 2 months. The excercise helps me feel energised and less depressed and I always have good thinking time in the pool as no one distracts you. Happy New Year x

Psychotic Depression: A Battle You Must Fight On Your Own

2011-11-28T13:42:00.001-08:00

Men are at war with each other because each man is at war with himself. ~ Francis Meehan

I beleive that when talking about psychotic depression we should refer to it as a war. Battles will be both won and lost, but when we put our mind to overcoming depression we must be prepared to fight. No war can be won single handedly, a leader needs an army. However an army can not be blindly lead into battle.

Realising that you have a mental illness takes the wind out of your lungs. I burried my head in the sand for many months, letting it escalate and spiral out of control. I think there is a moment in everyones stories of any mental illness where in your head, like a lost king you declare war in order to get your mind to a peaceful state. If you haven't, think about it, no one can overcome this but you. I remember making this declaration when I was in my worst state, I was weak and literaly moments away from not having a life. I awoke in a hospital bed and there and then, in the worst possible state made a decision full of pride and strength, that this illness will not defeat me.

To make this decision you truely have to beleive in yourself. It takes everything that you think your not. But once you have made it, like a promise to God, your fight can truely begin. To be honest, what makes this more difficult, like any war is that at the begining you can see no end. You have no idea how the battles will be fought, who you are fighting against or how your going to win, but you have faith.

Im not saying you need to fight your illness on your own. There are firends, family, care workers, doctors and bloggers who will all fight on your side. But it is the decision to fight that must come from you and only you. You need to beleive this is a war you are going to win, even if all the odds are stacked against you. We are all Davids and this is our goliath.

I decided to fight my war almost 3 years ago and I am still fighting everyday. Hundreds of little battles, but everyone I fight, I feel a little closer to the goal I am working too. This is your mind, your life and your fight, but everyone wants you to win.

I feel this post has a very agressive tone to it, but I want you to be inspired to rise like a pheonix. I always felt very angry and bitter at having a mental illness. I felt why me? why do I have to take the hard road in life. But I channeled my anger into trying to overcome this. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. The fight will teach us all hundreds of lessons which will in turn make us better people.

I hope most of you are already fighting this war with me, everyday making a tiny bit of ground in conquering your mind. If you are not, why not join this revolution of mentally ill people fighting, so we can be free?

Am I Me. . . Or Is It The Medication Talking

2011-11-01T15:32:00.000-07:00

One of my biggest insecurities is that the person I have become is not the real me. . . it's a medicated altered version of me. Do I really beleive what I think? Are my opinions actually mine? . . . . If I ever come off my meds will the person I have become slowly disappear too?

I have been meds for almost 3 years now. To be honest I dont really remember not being on them. One a night before bed every night. My little Psychotic Depression routine, almost like brushing your teeth.

I have always wondered if all the things that have changed in the last three years are due to getting older? getting better? or just being drugged up to the max? It's not really a bad thing. . . I do like who I have become, I have good friends, I enjoy normal hobbies, I don't have any more mood swings or halusinations. . . but sometimes I feel all these things may not have been done out of free will. Its a really strange feeling of being trapped in a body, a life where I can't contol anything.

I mean a lot of this is on quite a deep level, some of it spirital, some of it really trippy. . . . but some of it is really shallow and stupid. For example before I had a mental illness I hated Mushrooms. . . now I love them. its crazy but what if its not me who loves the mushrooms but the medication that makes me love them.

I guess at the end of the day there is apart of me that doesnt like / fears being dependent and reliant on mediacation. Pumping the body with unatual things is obviously not the best way to live your life. This probably is an issue for many people, not just the meantaly ill.

If I ever get a solid conclusion to this or find a possible solution that puts me at ease, rest assure I will share it with you all.

All I know is it is important that you follow the medications rules, always do as your doctor tells you and never take medication use into your own hands and never go cold turkey . . . in fact thats going to be my next post later this week, "Why not to go Cold Turkey and Why I Did".

Depression Resulting From Bullying

2011-10-27T14:00:00.000-07:00

I know that a lot of depression can stem from childhood and more importantly from being bullied at school. Don't get me wrong im not saying one causes the other, I know many people who got bullied at school and didnt suffer from depression. . . just had a rough time. But being bullied and depressed while studying at shool with all the childhood pressures can be too much. Im not an expert in this subject and if you feel that this may relate to you check out this link for some adive from the UK Bullying Site. That site isnt really the stuff I would recomend but then again apparently im no expert (You can always Google advice to get a broader range). Honestly I think Kids being bullied should channel their problems into creative things and find inspiration elsewhere. Shool and Bullys will only last for a short period of time but depression can really effect your whole life. Teenagers need to find a way to ride the wave and get through the tough times without any perminent damage.

This Video is massivly powerful. I know some people might just think its a song, but I feel music is powerful and I hope it touches a lot of people the same way it moved me.

If you have read this and have any other mucis videos, clips, blogs whatever, post it in a comment. I really love creative things and want this blog to offer sound advice, personal stories AND creative work.

I will explain in more depth at a later date, but music, films and anything creative really did help me through everything. . . and still does, I hope it will do the same for someone else too.

Student Support for Depression

2011-10-20T14:33:00.000-07:00

I became Ill during my second year of uni. It took me ages to admit to myself that depression is an illness andstudent support avalible, that its okay to ask for help if you need it. I think its important that people know what support is avaliable to a student and why the should always use it.

During my early stages of depression I would lie to people about doctors appointments, mainly beacause if you say i'm going to the doctors it normally results in the question "aww why? whats wrong?" and I didnt want to explain and im sure they didnt have time to hear my explanation. This reinforced the impresison in my head that being depressed had to be kept a secret and that knowone was allowed to know. In the long run this causes more harm then good. Accepting depression as a plausable illness and being open to talk about it will definitly help you overcome it in the end. Its not easy, I didn't do it, but it will help.

I suggest taking baby steps. Doctors appointments are always a must so make sure you attend regualry and really explain to your doctor your symptoms. I was lucky, I had a really nice doctor who cared how I was doing, but I do know there are a lot of docs out their with little to none social skills.

Talking to firends and family is hard and dangerous. I couldnt do either which was a shame but if you can I think you should, if you have the close relationship with someone its always good to confide.

Most importantly while at University / College talk to the student support team. They normally can sort you out with appropiate councillling and lots of help. In my 4th yeah I finally met with someone from student support after spending ages building up the courage. They offered learning aids, extensions, counciling and even extra money. I was lucky enough not to have to use any of these but it was such a comfort knowing they were there.

I am a slight hipocrit as I remember hating all these support systems. I wanted to lock my self away in my room, or run away to a distant place or just pretend none of it was happening. unfortantly it is happening, and only you can do something about it. . . but not alone. Even if you just find out what support your uni of college offers, at least you know its their if you need to use it =]

You lose your life but it doesn't mean you can't live!

2011-02-28T06:49:00.000-08:00

One if the things I have found people dont understand at all is the sense of mourning one gets after being diagnosed with a mental illness.

Okay lets not get too mellodramatic yes we're not going to die. . . its not fatal or terminal like other illnesses. But everything you knew, the life you had, it dissapears and changes and you feel robbed, cheated and this is why sometimes I feel like a part of me did die.

Ive spent the past two years like many people who get diagnosed with mental illnesses concentrating all their energy into changing, healing, becoming a better person, building destroyed bridges everything we are told to do to help us get better. Yesterday I found a memory box i used to keep, filled with gig tickets, old photos and random bits and bobs that i thought were important to me. I was deverstated to see how much I had changed and how im just not the same boy I was before all this happened. When people told me how much I changed I used take it as a complement thinking that it represented my mental state. . . but it doesnt.

The sad truth is that I will never be that person again, I loved my old life, I hit the metal illness wall, spent so long changing and healing that there is no way back. However before you finishing reading this feeling worse or scared, there is a beautiful flip side. Although my old life is gone, I have all my memories from it, and unlike a lot of other unforgiving illnesses we have a second chance.

I will always have days where I can look back at miss the life I had, but i also have a new life to shape. Its not the same, a lot of things are different, like the regular hospital appointmants, tons of medication etc but its still a life. We need to appreciate that it is okay to mourn what we have lost and so what if people don't really understand, they also won't understand the opptimism, excitement and possibilites having a secomnd life can create. Take this opportunity to do something different, something that the 'old' you wouldnt do or something that you always said you would do but never got around to it.

Im a different person, I miss who I was but im excited to see who I can be.

Let me know your thoughts on this, is this something you have come across on your journey?

One Year Six Months Later

2010-09-05T13:33:00.000-07:00

It has been one year and six months since I left the hospital but boy does it feel like it was yesterday. Since leaving hospital I took the risky but neccessary decision to move away from family, friends and support to live in a city I had never been to before in order to complete a work placement. I was advised that this was not a great move but in order to complete my degree i had to do a 12 month placement. Because I spent all my time in 2nd year in and out of hospital and being ill I had missed out on applying for all the good placements. I was stuck in a strange city, with two housemate I had never met before doing telemarketing.

It has been a tough year and I will blog about all the things I learnt and experienced which hopefully will help others with simular illnesses realise that you can find inner strength to do things you would never think possible.

Currently I am returning to universsity which means i will have a lot more time to update this and will be blogging regularly. I am returning to the place where my depression began. I have to admit im preety anxious to be seeing all the places where I had scaring memories and horrible experiences. I am also scared about seeing some face of people who watched me spiral into depression. Will they forgive me, understant, or have they judged me and going to socialy cripple me with gossip and rumors.

My old housemate is the person I am dreading bumbing into. He was my best friend at uni, he watchmed me as my world collapsed and he stood by and did nothing. No support, no comfort, just steped back and watched me crashed. He then took the opportunity to take everything I was clinging onto, my firnds, my uni work and even the girl I liked. One year later I am going to have to face my dear and see him again. I beleive I have changed so much in a year, I feel more positive, strong, I feel like a completely different person while never feeling so much like myself at the same time.

I want to tell everyone that although life is harder for people like us with an illness, we can do things that we might of thought impossible. We can meet new people, get new jobs, even blend in with people who dont have depressive ilnesses. If you have an illness know that you CAN change and life WILL change its just finding that strength to start getting better and i believer that the strength lies in everyone you just need to ignite it!

Peace and Love
Anonymous

Why I am Annonymous

2010-06-01T12:43:00.000-07:00

I wanted to do a quick post outlining why I haven't used my real name on this blog. After starting this blog I thought some of the readers might think I am ashamed of being diagnosed with Depression. This is defiently not the case! My illness is a part of my personality, it makes me who I am, it affects my entire life as well as the people in it. However the reason I am annonymous is that I have made a lot of mistakes in my past affecting a lot of people in my life. I want to keep this blog as honest as open as possible and I feel i can do that properly if my identity is unknown!

For example, my last blog post about overdosing, that is information that none of my firends no. They know I was in hospital but for different reason related to my illness. I hope that this makes sense and I am going to keep this blog as honest as fresh as possible. I havent written anything for about two weeks. This is because I have been crazy busy with work and visiting firends on the weekend. I like to tell myself that keeping busy helps control my illness.

I guess its been working. I have been so focused on my job and traveling the UK I havent had time to think about or moan about being ill. It has almost been a good couple of weeks. However the only problem with this is that being busy creates stress that, for me, inflmaes some of my side symptoms. This I guess is my first tip, keep busy, not too busy, but busy enough!

The Irony of the Overdose

2010-04-19T13:10:00.000-07:00

After being diagnosed with mild depression I was put on a mild 15g of prozac. Because this was such a quick diagnosis I just went along with what ever the doctors were telling me. It wasn't until things had calmed down a little bit that the shock and realisation of what was happening sunk in. One of this biggest factors for the bad turn I took was the social pressures involved with being a depressive.

Natually I felt the need to inform my housemates at the time what was going on and why I suddenly had this relationship with the Uni Doctors! I had no expectations of what their reation was going to be. They had obviously heard of depression but I feel they had a completely wrong pre-conception of what it entails. I was associated with being needy, pathetic, whiney and all the other negative views people have on depression even though I wasn't actually any of things. I tried my hardest to keep my student life style alive. I socialised, I worked hard and obviously party'ed hard. A little too hard maybe.

It was on a night out for a friends birthday it all kicked off. I was far far too drunk for my own good and had the feeling everything was going to be fine. Obviously being drunk I don't remeber much of what happened and I am too scared to ask the people who were there so this is what I remember. Drinking loads, telling people I was ill, working my self up, crying, becoming scared, apoloigising than being walked home in a state! bad times. The next morning I was so horrified of what had happened and scared of life I felt the need to overdose.

I took 30 of my anti-depressents which on hine sight is a little bit ironic. I stayed in my room for 2 days with no food and no drink. I had a fever was in and out of cociousness, sweating, having delusions and seeing/hearing things. I vividly remember thinking my housemate was trying to kill me. I dont think I have ever been so scared in my life even though I now know this wasn't real. On the third day I realised this wasn't going to kill me and that I needed to go to the doctors. I found someone to give me a lift then was moved straight from the doctors to the hospital.

So what have I learned from my gamble with death. I learned how important life is and that even though at one point I didn't want to live that now, a year later I am happy and moving forward with my life. Things can and do get better. The three days alone in my room after the overdoes were the lowest point of my depression. All sorts of crazy shit was going on and I am still to this day haunted by a lot of it. In my next post I will take you through my time in the hospital, the social impacts of my over does and a quick bit on how I found God when I was the most alone I have ever been.

The Begining

2010-04-11T12:13:00.000-07:00

I officialy was diagnosed with Psycotic Depression on the 28th March 2009. I was 20 and a Student at University. They caught the illness in a very late stage at could estimate I had been suffering for about 18 months. And too think I only went to the doctors because I didnt have an appetite. So how did I get Diagnosed?

After my first semister at University things started to go down hill. Friendships became a struggle to keep up with and I was finding myself become very needy and dependent on people. Strangely enough I thought it was just a bad stage or me trying to 'find who I was'. Turns out it was the begining stages of depression. During my second year I went to the doctors as my weight was rapidly decreassing but I just wasnt finsing myself hungry. After going in for what I thought could be a stomach bug I left being told I was depressed and I had to take medication. Natually this was a big shock and I don't think its too much to say I was slightly ashamed and ebarresed to be depressed. I did't want to tell anyone what was happening so I kept it quiet, took my medication and started to see a councilor.

After about a month things went from bad to worse as I tried to keep up the student life. After a terrible drunken night out where the depression really got on top of me I lost a lot of respect from friends. After that night I overdossed on my medication I had piced up the day before. I will write about this expreience in a seperate blog for more detail. I ended up spending two days in hospital I was released on caution being told I had to be checked for psycotic sytmptoms.

Since then I have had to live my life with this illness. I had a big struggle telling people about it and trying to get them to understand, which I will write about. I am also now on placement. Which basicaly means I had to up and leave to another city where I didn't know anyone and try and live and work. Ive had to struggle with girl friends. I have also become a Christian through this experience which I will also write about. If any of this relates to you, or you know someone like this, please read on to try and understand a few of the problems people with metal illness's suffer from!

Kind Regards.